Monster in Me'
by thatim-never-changingwhoiam
Summary: Izaya is beginning to crack and tumble with his monster inside. And someone who can relate to those problems is watching the entire show, how will he react? -Rated M for possible later chapters and trigger warnings of angst-
1. Chapter 1

_"Oh Izaya,__** you've always been the odd one out..**_

_ The __**insane**__ one.. Only son whom __**didn't**__ carry out his family's correct wishes. The son __**no one**__ cared for.. And look now, __**there's no one here again.**_

_** None**__ to __**say 'good bye'**__ to, __**none**__ to even __**say 'don't leave' **_

_ All those precious humans that never seemed to care, they all avoid you. "_

Standing straight on the edge of his favorite tall building, his crimson orbs dusted with blankness.. Covered by the darkness that swallowed his heart. The streams of tears were the only living emotion that settled, dripping off the edge.

The wind ice cold blew through the roots of his raven locks- sending them flying. Not even wearing his trade-mark jacket.. All Izayas veins were showing on his arms and hands.. suggesting he'd been here for a good 30 minutes.

His thought processor blocked by dark thoughts of the monster that had eaten him:

**"Jump**. _I know they would be better off without you._

** Jump.** _And no more suffering will hurt._

** Jump.**_ Everyone will forgive you. Your existence will be gone_

**FOREVER"**

Izaya thought he was alone.. But that was completely underestimating the man staring blankly.. The strong body stayed directly still. Carefully listening to the not-so-like himself raven. The mans heart had shrunk ten-fold, flattering and piercing his hatred away.

_So what if the flea made him angry to brink of madness?_ He knew how it felt to have the monster inside shout back, the man hadn't want to ever witness it in anyone else. Even if it was a **flea.** The sight was dare he say it- _painful._

Shizuo, you guessed right the blonde male grabbed Izayas arms. Just in time - Izaya had thrown himself backwards, being held by the arms his legs dangled in mid air.

**"Snap outta it!"** Grumbled the rough voice, hands shaking the brunet.. Only to receive that.. That truly saddening smile. And what's more shizuo knew it was Izayas same old smile - which only meant he was pretending to happy in front of everyone.. _All of the times.._ Even in high school, the past flashed before his eyes.

Tears stained his face, blood shot in his iris'.

**"Isn't this what you wanted?**" He tried to pitch his voice making him sound worse, like he'd finally cracked. Blank crimson orbs turning more dull looked into those shocked soft hazel. Izaya managed with the last of strength, to wriggle one arm out that harsh grip. Making him hang there, his only hope was shizuo.

_".. Not like this. Never.."_

Shizuo's voice became slightly more angry, his level of concern becoming higher. Yet the sound barely came out as a whisper. His steady body jolted by the extra pressure, but it weren't enough to allow the informant to fall. Pulling him up, he watched the man fall to the ground. There he was huddled in his lowest state of mind.. That man whom tried to destroy his life. And better yet shizuo still felt sorry for him.

_What was Izaya thinking?_

_ What could happen next?_

Those thoughts circled the blondes head, I mean he knew what he was like in that state- angry and willing to take on death straight on. But since_ Izaya was.. different, did the male just feel suicidal?_

That wasn't a good feeling inside..

Shizuo knew Izaya wouldn't speak up to anyone nor have many friends. **And that was what saved him. **Knowing he couldn't leave the flea there.. he bent down to the fleas laying height.. Lightly prodding his arm..

"Oi-! Yer' alright now..? .. Eh?" Shizuo didn't hear anything back, just a quiet sobbing.

If only the blonde knew.. Izaya was back to that darkness again.. The monster inside began to eat him away more, trapping himself.. with not a hand to reach to him. Not only he couldn't hear Shizuo shouting.. nor could he see. The only motion left visible was his tears. Even though the other male had given up with shouting, Shizuo was now carrying the curled up flea bridal style.

What made him to do it, was beyond him.. Lucky enough it was dark enough for no one to see. It saved himself a lot of explaining to proceed. He wasn't sure where he was going.. It seemed the way to go to his home. The firm body was on automatic.. Shizuo sighed to himself. _It was gonna be a long night._


	2. Chapter 2

Shizuo weren't sure still what the informant was thinking, he could feel the cold dampness sinking into his chest. Shuddering violently against his own body.. Not even a sob was heard. The night had a hindering loneliness attached to it, even his own breath was seen in the coldness. That was the only way he knew it was cold.. Sighing to himself, the journey home took longer than he anticipated.

Seeing his home, Shizuo held the man with one hand to stumble around for his house key in his trouser pocket.

Once he found the key, the front door was unlocked without any ease.. He looked around the apartment, taking his key out and shutting the door behind himself. Hazel eyes looked down at the raven to check that he was okay. It seemed so. _Guess it'd be easier to leave him in the warmth. _Shizuo wanted to say something but Izaya hadn't said a word since their last incident..

"Shit.."He muttered, noticing how much he was actually giving a shit about this. Carrying the smaller into his bedroom, he put him on the bed.. Tucking him inside the bed sheets, hoping it would make a difference to the shuddering figure in bed.. "Uhm.. just say if yer' need anything.. rite? Not like I care !" Despite those harsh words at the end, Shizuo didn't even sound annoyed.. It was actually hard enough to pull his feet from the ground.

The other man, Izaya was actually seeing a little more light than before.. He knew someone was there, someone had helped.. Someone had put him in warmth.. It was the most the informant had **ever** had. Not opening his crimson orbs just yet, the tears stopped.. A whisper left him to Shizuo..

_ " k- you."_

_Was that.. _Shizuos face scrunched up, feeling a unknown feeling overcome himself.. He watched the fleas expression change from a bitter to a small curl on lips. His hazel eyes suddenly opened wider a small pink hindered across his cheeks.

_ Shit! What the fuck.. !_

Shizuo didn't even say a word, as if he weren't stuck to the floor earlier.. he darted out the room. Heading straight for the kettle, he quickly turned the switch on so there was noise in the room. It didn't help.. the thoughts were clouding over his head like the stream above the kettle.. _What was that? Is this the same freakin' flea? I'm sure of it.. Yeah.. Yeah that's what it is.. Don't panic, maybe the tea will turn the flea into a bastard again ? _He really had no idea what to make of him.. The night had one thing after another following it, things that Shizuo couldn't obey by. Izaya was meant to be a mind fucking bastard, not this emotional wreck with feelings. Fleas don't have feelings.._** They don't.. do they? **_But still he was as stubborn as ever, the thoughts didn't get the best of Shizuo. He still didn't like the other. Trying to distract himself, he started on the tea.

Crimson eyes took a slight opening, the light was still left on from earlier. Izaya pulled himself back under the covers, refusing to look in the light.. His headache was too painful to take it right now. Usually once emotions settled in, for Izaya it took him down with after-pain. It wasn't gone though.. The feelings from the roof, he tried remembering as his hand buried into raven locks. "Tsssskk!" Izaya winched in pain, groaning from how much it actually hurt. The furthest part that he remembered was when he jumped but right now the rest was blocked by pain who actually helped..

Not knowing where he was still, because the glimpse of the room weren't enough.. It was with someone else's place though, he could hear the footsteps coming back into the room. Shizuo walked past the bed to put the tea down on the beside table. But he stopped hearing the groans of pain. "uurrghhh..!"

"Get yer' some painkillers, 'lright?" And back out again he went. Izaya was about to say something, but thought it weren't the best time to.. The roughness of the voice gave it away. Not even having to look at the protozoan. His mind wanted to question it over and over, bringing up all kinds of shit. But Izaya generally couldn't take the pain._Just take pain killers and drink the tea.. then leave. I'm in no mood to bring any destruction. _

__Again the blonde came back into the room, putting water and a few pills on the side.. Wondering for a few moments if it was the right time to say anything again.. Suppose not. "Shit.." Shizuo muttered once more, leaving the room. His own tea was on the table near the TV, only quietly was the TV on. Shizuo wasn't much one for loudness at home, truth be told at heart the man was quiet. Sitting on the couch, he held the tea with both hands.. Humming to the warmth, the tea was blown on to cool down. A little smile peered on his face, warmth. There was nothing really on TV. Not like the TV was watched in this house very often, it wasn't that nice to be cooped in a house all day. Or so Shizuo thought.

Not really taking a interest, Shizuo looked out the window.. Man it was getting cold, the windows were already getting foggy.. Sighing to himself, he wondered if the informant was actually going to move. It was a hard debate.

Not knowing what the time was, it had long past since the two had got back to his own place. For a stumble in the bedroom to be heard, out of curiosity Shizuo looked to the bedroom door.. Seeing Izaya stood there- well not exactly stood there, his figure was wobbly and was clutched at the door frame. If only Izaya knew, he actually found it horrible to look at.. Shizuo was used to a fast running prideful flea..

"Ah, thank you thank you for e-verything I'll just be on my way home.. hm~?"

**"You ain't goin' anywhere flea.."**


	3. Chapter 3

"Ah, thank you thank you for e-verything I'll just be on my way home.. hm~?"

**"You ain't goin' anywhere flea.." **Those words actually annoyed Izaya, how could Shizuo be in the right mind to say that.. That man didn't know him.. never would he! You'd believe someone who cared about Izaya would directly say that. He wanted to be alone.. Even needed it right now. Just being around people during this state of mind annoyed himself.. Izaya felt defenseless. Like everything was on display for the protozoan to rip open. And that actually hurt more than dying.. That man that he couldn't read ever, would read whatever he liked.

It was beginning to feel that stressful, his crimson was fading into a tearful view. Not once did he look at Shizuo though, that glance was avoided as he tried to sound threatening. Forcing his vocal cords to hurt.

**"You can't tell me what to do! You can't force me! You can't do anything you want you filthy protozoan, it's like a fucking prison or kidnapping. Not like anyone would fucking care for a mad man like me.. I should of been dropped… I mean what the fuck Shizuo!? Did you start pitying me out of all people.? That's sick! The one I fucking hate the most! I don't want to know that! You piss me off!"**

His words were spat.. but it wasn't full of vile Poisson, it was pure hurt. And Shizuo knew that.. He watched the tears fall from those terrified orbs.. The frame of the informants body shook violently. His hand that was clutching onto the door propping himself up was making dents into the wood. If Shizuo knew what was going on with himself.. maybe this wouldn't of happened. But once more, his body went up by itself. Hearing more words pour from the lonely informants mouth.

**"You're probably not even going to say anything! Why would you! A monster like you, wouldn't have a clue!"** Before Izaya or Shizuo knew it, they were both facing each other. Izaya punched the ex bartenders chest to express how much it hurt.. His face was covered in tears, dampened on his cheeks. Beginning to turn pink from the frustration, his orbs wren't the same anymore..

"I know_ exactly how you feel.._**Exactly** Izaya." Shizuo watched with saddened soft hazel, there wasn't any anger in his voice.. It had become soft but firm to show Shizuo was actually listening. Izaya nearly collapsed. But he caught him, the informants eyes widening from the sudden fallen hug. They both ended up on the floor on their knees.

Shizuo closed his own eyes, burying his head into the shoulder of the ravens. Hearing the shuddering bodies heart pulse within it's withering pain.. He felt the quiet sobbing on himself, knowing Izaya was probably balling his eyes out by now. Lightly sighing, he started comforting the man. His hand went from around the body to those raven locks. Brushing them back from the damp face of his.. Not wanting to hurt him right now, Shizuo lightly stroked Izayas back with small circles.

Only to receive a small tight squeeze in return. Izaya could feel the burn that was irritating his heart lightly disappear.. This embrace was needed desperately.. Oh how warm Shizuo was.. Why was it touching his heart so carefully? Like this man wasn't the monster he had always displayed, he was a real man with good deeds in his heart. Slowly did his eyes stop tearing up. Own hands grasping at the blondes shirt letting Shizuo know the comfort was working..

They had been this way for a good 10 minutes, letting both the men collect themselves within the hug.

Izaya wanted to say something.. But Shizuos smell was rather distracting. A cross of cigarettes and something sweet.. as if he was made out of a type of pudding. He moved himself to a comfier position not interrupting their embrace. Though the position hadn't helped the smelling incidents, now Izaya could smell those blonde locks which always looked so un-kept. Yet that wasn't true.. They were soft as anything lingering a sweet apple shampoo..

Shizuo on the other hand was finding this relaxing. When the informant had decided to move, he could finally move his legs to sit around Izaya.. This was odd, but it was better than before. A light tingeing was felt deep in his heart as if he had done well to help this man.

Both in the trace, they hadn't heard the rain outside. It was covering the whole place of Ikebukuro drenching some that forgot an umbrella. Unpredictable rain would come in this city sometimes, the city shone high and above to night sky. As if no one minded how the storm was approaching. But it soon took its toll sending lighting and thunder toward them. The city was soon turning less packed as it was before.

Back at Shizuos house, one of the two was afraid of lighting and thunder. A loud yelp escaped into the quietness. The blonde nearly jumped his skin.

**"SHIT! W-WHAT.. WAS THAT.."** Came another yelp, Izaya instantly pulled Shizuo closer to himself.


	4. Chapter 4

Izayas body shuddered into the board body he pulled himself against.. _Was this flea scared of the storm? A small storm..? _His hands lightly stroked his back gently, from those shoulders to his lower back. He lightly whisper chuckled at the fear making it rumble his chest. Izayas stubborn side appeared from that. No one knew this about him, apart from his sisters.

"This isn't-! **Ack..!**" His voice sounded a little hurt a first, until the storm noises rose in his ears. Sending vibrations of fear through him. _Why now.. must this happen?_ Izaya could feel how tight he was clinging by the pins and needles.

Jolting memories back into him..

* * *

**Izayas POV:**

I have always been this way.. Not like anyone knew. It's been a secret for as long as I've had the informant broker job. You may be wondering of Nami..? Yeah she doesn't know, I kick her out on job days so I can hide away. No one needs to know of this fear..

There's just this unforgiving feeling settling me every time I hear it! Ever since I was around 10.. I remember being scolded and hiding under my bed. How dare my mother try and put me to bed early for not eating dinner. It was probably a good hour I sulked for. And suddenly out of no where I can hear the pouring rain on the roof. I remember that feeling being good..

Sleepiness.. Until a storm suddenly took a bang outside! I jolted, a ripple of uneasiness rolling around in my tummy. I felt alone and curled up on the spot I was nearly asleep in.. My hands grasping and trying to contain the shakes. Being only 10, I remember it made me cry.

But no one knew because it was so loud and I was there for hours until it stopped..

As I became older, the fear became easier.. And my sisters were old enough to know that I didn't like it.. Suppose that's one thing good about those brats, they would stay up all night with me in my bed. Just to know I was calmed for sleeping. I got so used to it, I'm now unable to bear with it alone. Not like I actually need anyone's help.. Ha.

* * *

Izaya was shook from those memories his mind tried to remind him of. Not knowing his eyes were tightly closed.. They were beginning to dampen his shirt and face. His vision opened to a concerned Shizuo.

"Oi.. Stop concerning me.. Like this..! I ain't sure how to take it.. ya know" Much to say shocked, the raven felt a sense of home right then. It wasn't anything like his sisters would say.. But it was warm enough to let the last few tears go and to be forgotten. He weren't about to say anything though.. Inside his mind, knowing Shizuo knew a fear was annoying enough.. And that stupid look on his face.. Shizuo awaited for something to be said in return, but noticed there was nothing to be said. Wiping his own brow that had for reason started to sweat.

There was a inch of care in the man for the flea.. Just the inch. Even if Shizuo couldn't see it himself, not yet anyway. Sighing in light relief, he at least noticed the body had stopped shaking. _Was it warm in there or was it him? _As a last resort to sorting the problem out, he thought Izaya might be better in the bed. _[If you know what I mean, sorry. not sorry. xD ]_

Suddenly he pulled the man up in his arms as he got up. "H-hey! What.. what the fuck are you doing?"

"Shadap' and put up with it, 'rite?" Shizuo huffed not looking down at the scolded flea. He already knew there was a look of a pout and** 'I don't want it this way'**.. But this was the easiest way.. Or so he thought.

Now prodding himself into the bedroom, the flea was dropped onto the bed. "Ooff..! Mind if-!" Again cut off by the gentleness Shizuo displayed.. He watched those rough hands wrap himself into the blankets to warm and cocooned up. Since he was smaller than the blonde, there was enough room beside himself for the other. Trying not to stare. Even though Shizuo noticed quite quickly. Izaya was feeling a little flustered..

_Why.. is.. he.. Fuck.. _He couldn't even voice those thoughts in his head.. only could Izaya turn away to not be seen. It wasn't helping that Shizuo was now lightly hugging into the side of him. _It was for warmth. Yes. That was what it was! _The blonde hadn't noticed those actions from the flea.. Dense as Shizuo always was.. Just a sense of relief had taken over his usually angered face. Even his angered brow had raised to soften his features. And Izaya had seen all of it.

Between both of the males the end of night had finished better than it had started.. Izaya along the way had forgotten the brewing storm that may last throughout tomorrow. And Shizuo fell asleep to the fleas breathing and warmth. His thoughts before disappearing into dreamland were along the lines of _Just a few more minutes . I'll go to the couch soon.._


End file.
